Itachi and Kisame Get High
by Xorncon - Number 0
Summary: While passing through a small village, a merchant tells Kisame about a special herb that supposedly makes people 'see things.' Kisame buys it to try and help Itachi's deteriorating eyesight, and the two soon discover it's good stuff.
1. Itachi and Kisame Get High

Just as the title suggests: enjoy, and leave reviews please!

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After a meeting with Akatsuki, Kisame and Itachi were strolling through a small town outside the Land of Fire. Their straw hats concealed their appearances to everyone around them. The town was small, and a haven for criminals, shift individuals, or people who just didn't want to be found. They needed to head through this town to get food, and any other supplies they needed for their travels.

"Wait here," Itachi said to Kisame before he walked up to a nearby food stand. Kisame looked around the streets, just in case there was anyone who recognized them as Akatsuki.

"Hey stranger," a deep, almost scary voice whispered. Kisame turned to a dark alley, seeing a man slumped over, wearing a trench coat and a mask to cover his face. "Got something that might interest ya." The man pulled open his coat, revealing a ton of herbs attached to the inside of his coat.

"Sorry, not interested," Kisame replied.

"Come on stranger, you and your partner look like men of danger! Surely you'd need herbs to heal your wounds with right?" Kisame sneered, showing his razor sharp teeth. To the merchant's credit, he didn't seem too affected by the swordsman's teeth.

"I have my own ways of healing, and my partner never gets touched in battle. We're not too worried about our wounds old man."

"Ah, but my herbs don't just heal ya. I have herbs for a ton of different illnesses." Kisame chuckled a bit, shaking his head as he turned to Itachi, politely waiting on the food merchant to get his order.

"Unless you've got something that can help my partner see, then I don't think-,"

"Needs ta see things ya say," the merchant asked. "I got a _special_ herb for that." This now captivated Kisame's interest. The merchant pulled out a bag of green looking grass and held it before the shark-man's face. "Ever customer comes to me and says this helps them see things, things they've never noticed or seen before. They say it makes all the senses in the body more acute and makes ya more alert!" Kisame placed his hand to his chin, examining the grass for a moment with interest.

"How does this help people see things," Kisame inquired.

"They roll it up, and then…they smoke it!" The Akatsuki member jerked his head back, questioning the man's judgment.

"They smoke grass," Kisame repeated with outrage. "What kind of crazy stuff are you selling old man?!" The merchant turned to a nearby civilian then took a step towards him.

"Stranger, you want to buy some of this?" The bystander looked at the bag then quickly handed the merchant a bag full of money. The merchant handed the bag of grass over to the man then walked back to Kisame as the citizen ran off, desperately hanging onto his bag. To say the least: Kisame was shocked to see a random person on the street freaking out over a bag of grass. "What do ya say now stranger?"

"I'll take a bag," Kisame replied, giving in as he reached into his pouch for some money. The two exchanged their goods, and placed them safely away on their person.

"Kisame," Itachi called out.

"Coming," the blue skinned partner called out. "Thanks for the stuff." The merchant nodded once to Kisame. The Akatsuki member turned into the street and followed his partner down the street.

"What was that about," Itachi asked.

"I'll show you once we're out of the village," Kisame replied.

A few hours later of gathering and buying supplies, the Akatsuki duo headed out of down and wandered aimlessly through the forests until the sun started to set. The two set a pile of firewood between them then sat down across from one another.

"So what did you buy back in that town?" Kisame smirked, finding it interesting that Itachi could remember something as minor as him making a small purchase hours ago.

"Well, this one merchant was selling herbs," Kisame began. "At first I told him we didn't need any, but he kept insisting and told me about this special herb he had." Itachi remained still, staring at his partner to continue. Kisame was a little aggravated, thinking that maybe Itachi could show just a _little_ interest. "He said this herb made people see things," Kisame continued, reaching back for the bag. He revealed the tiny baggy to Itachi, showing the dark green grass inside.

"How is grass supposed to help my eyesight," Itachi questioned.

"I'm not sure," Kisame admitted. "He said people smoked it to get the effects. He sold a bag like this to some stranger on the street for a ton of cash right on the spot. That merchant knew how to make a sale. He only asked one question, and the guy practically emptied his pockets for this." Itachi stared at the bag solemnly, blinking once as he examined it. Finally, Itachi snapped his eyes up to Kisame.

"I'll smoke it if you smoke it…"

"What, why do _I_ have to smoke it?!"

"You bought it," Itachi replied. "The least you could do is use your own product."

"It's not my product, it's that merchant's product!"

"Then you should've made him smoke it." Kisame cringed a bit. Itachi cracked a smirk, knowing he won the argument. The Uchiha member leaned forward, holding his hand out.

"We need to roll it up with something," Kisame stated. "You got anything we can use?" Itachi shook his head. "Well, I guess I can use the bandages from Samehada." Kisame grabbed the wrappings on his sword then pulled some off, tearing off a long piece of it. The shark-man pulled out some of the grass then placed it on the bandage and rolled it up into a cigarette. "Can ya light me up?" Itachi made a few hand signs then held his two fingers next to his mouth.

"Fire ball jutsu!" The Uchiha member sent a wave of fire out, setting the camp fire and lighting the cigarette in the process. Kisame stood in awe, looking at the cigarette for a moment before turning back to his partner.

"A little extreme, but it got the job done nevertheless…" Kisame stared at his partner who gave him that expectant stare. The shark-man sighed then put the tip of the cigarette in his mouth and inhaled deeply. Kisame removed the cigarette then started coughing. He handed it off to his partner, who quickly took it.

"You okay," Itachi asked.

"Yeah," Kisame replied between coughs. "Just a bit light headed!"

"Does it help?"

"How should I know? I'm not blind." Itachi looked at the rolled up bit of grass with skepticism. "Take the hit man!" Itachi closed his eyes and sighed deeply to himself before taking a drag from the cigarette. The Uchiha member started coughing just as Kisame had earlier. Itachi covered his mouth, trying to control his coughs. "How do ya feel…?"

"Kinda…kinda dizzy…" Itachi looked over to Kisame. "Whoa, dude…do you have gills on your face?" Kisame lifted his hand up to his cheek, running his hand all over his face.

"I don't think so…why?"

"Because if you do then we need to get you in the water or else you'll die," Itachi replied.

"OH SHIT!!"

"Don't worry, don't worry," Itachi assured. "I don't think you're dead…"

"You sure," Kisame asked. Itachi narrowed his eye for a moment before taking another puff of the cigarette.

"I'm pretty sure you're not dead…" Itachi held the cigarette out to Kisame. The shark-man took it and inhaled deeply. Kisame wheezed a bit and let out a stifled cough.

"This shit is pretty sweet," Kisame admitted. "Hey wait a second…" Kisame leaned forward, staring intently at Itachi's face. "Hey Itachi…"

"What," the Uchiha member asked.

"Did you know that you got lines on your face," Kisame questioned, tracing the lines on his own face with his finger tip. Itachi placed his hand on his face then started rubbing his skin. Kisame snickered mockingly as his partner futilely tried rubbing the stress lines off his face. "Dude, I don't think they're coming off!" Itachi moved his eyes down, making a strange face as he tried to see the lines himself. Kisame's body shook as he snickered once again at Itachi. "You look funny." Itachi glared at Kisame, taking the rolled up grass from him and then taking another hit.

"And you're blue…DUDE YOU'RE BLUE!?"

"WHAT?!" Kisame lifted his hands up and looked at his hands with a dreaded look on his face. "!!!! I'M BLUE!!"

"Why didn't we notice this before," Itachi asked himself.

"How long have I been blue!?"

"I don't know man. I thought you would've known it by looking in a mirror or something." Kisame's hands trembled at the realization that his skin color was totally out of the ordinary. "Dude, you got some scary ass eyes too…"

"Look who's talking," Kisame fired back, still upset about the blue skin. "You got that crazy Sharingan! Your eyes are red!"

"Of course they are, my Sharingan is active Kisame."

"No, I mean around the Sharingan," Kisame went on. "Your entire eye is red!"

"Shit, do we have eye drops?!"

"Um…you think that we would have those for you at the very least." Kisame took the cigarette from Itachi then took a puff. "Shit, we're almost out of this stuff."

"You got more of that stuff right?"

"What stuff," Kisame asked dumbly.

"That stuff," Itachi repeated, pointing to the rolled up grass.

"This stuff," Kisame asked, pointing to his sword.

"No not that stuff, _that_ stuff!"

"What stuff?!"

"THAT STUFF!"

"Which stuff? This stuff," Kisame pointed to his sleeve before grabbing a bush and tearing it from the ground, "This stuff?!"

"No, none of that stuff!"

"Then what stuff?!" Itachi pointed to the rolled up grass, but still Kisame didn't understand. "This stuff," Kisame asked, pulling out a snake from a bush.

"Not that stuff! Orochimaru is into that stuff!"

"Then what stuff?!"

"The stuff in your hands!" Kisame looked at his empty hand then held it out to Itachi.

"This skin stuff?"

"Not that stuff! That other stuff!" Kisame looked in his other hand, seeing the rolled up cigarette in his hand.

"What's this stuff?!"

"That grass stuff."

"Oh _right,_ this stuff, yeah, we got plenty of this stuff."

"Good stuff Kisame," Itachi replied with a huge grin on his face. Kisame started snickering again, almost dropping the cigarette in the process. "What?"

"You, smiling, it's funny looking!"

"I've smiled before."

"No one tells me this stuff." Kisame handed the rolled up grass to Itachi, who grabbed it and took the last hit from it before tossing it into the fire. Kisame tore off more of his sword's wrappings, and rolled up another pinch of grass.

"Put more of that shit in there," Itachi ordered. Kisame shrugged then added another pinch-full of grass before rolling it up. "Uh…what was the name of that jutsu I used?"

"Uh…fire ball jutsu?"

"Right, fire ball jutsu!" Itachi made a series of hand signs then exhaled a wave of flame, setting the cigarette on fire, and catching a part of Kisame's cloak on fire as well. "Oh damn, are you okay?"

"Yeah, hold this." Kisame tossed the cigarette to Itachi. The Uchiha member grabbed the cigarette then took a long drag of the rolled up piece of grass. Kisame made a continuation of hand signs then unleashed a massive blast of water from his mouth, soaking his arm and flooding a large section of the forest. Itachi took another puff of the cigarette, watching the water rush into the forest. The Uchiha member exhaled slowly, letting a cloud of smoke coming out of his mouth. "Dude, give me that!"

Kisame greedily snatched the roll of grass from his partner. Itachi started at Kisame, whose arm was completely soaked to the bone. The shark-man took a long drag then exhaled slowly, letting an alarming amount of smoke come out.

"Hey Kisame," Itachi spoke up after a moment. "What do you think our leader is going to do with the tailed beasts?"

"Um…open up a petting zoo?" Itachi took the grass from Kisame then took a long drag from it.

"That's deep dude…"

"What do you think is going to happen when we get all those tailed beasts?" Itachi scrunched his face together, staring up into the air to think.

"Open a petting zoo?"

"DUDE! I totally thought that too!"

"SWEET!" Itachi fell on his side, holding his stomach as he cackled while Kisame threw his head back and howled with laughter. "Hey Kisame, I heard Kakuzu say that your had a giant sword to compensate for something."

"What's that mean," Kisame asked.

"It means he thinks you have a big sword because you have a small dick."

"WHAT?! I'LL KILL THAT BASTARD!! Five times over again!"

"Can I watch," Itachi asked, leaning forward. "I've never seen a shark fight a zombie before! It'll be cool!"

"Sounds great, but where are you going to get the shark from?" Itachi paused for a moment, placing his hand to his chin.

"Good question…" Itachi handed the cigarette off to Kisame who took a puff of it. The Uchiha member looked over to Kisame, his eyes widening with realization. "Kisame! You look like a shark! You could be the shark!" Kisame suddenly coughed furiously, letting out cloud after cloud of smoke. "You okay?"

"I look like a shark," Kisame asked between wheezes.

"Sort of. If I turn my head and squint you definitely look like a shark." Kisame narrowed his eyes then tilted his head. "Can you see it?"

"Definitely," Kisame exclaimed. "Dude, this is trippy…"

"Now we just need to find a zombie for you to fight…" The two Akatsuki members began pondering, Itachi with his hand to his chin, and Kisame with one hand holding the cigarette and the other one on his knee.

"Hey," Kisame chimed in, his face lighting up. "That Kakuzu guy in our organization is like a zombie! I could fight him!"

"Bitchin," Itachi shouted. "Give me that thing!" Kisame handed the rolled up grass off to Itachi, who then took a slow, long drag of the cigarette. "Oh this shit is good…"

"Yeah…oh damn, there's smoke all around us!" Itachi looked up with a goofy smile on his face and started laughing.

"Dude is that from us?"

"I think so," Kisame replied as he began snickering.

"Dude this is cool," Itachi added, trying to grab the smoke. Kisame started laughing harder, watching his partner acting like an idiot. "Hey, this is harder than it looks!"

"No it's not, watch!"

Kisame stood up then began trying to grab the smoke. After the first few attempts failed, the swordsmen's arms moved quicker, going in a constant blur as he attempted to grab the smoke. Itachi fell on his back, kicking his feet in the air as he slapped his forehead and held his stomach, laughing uncontrollably. Kisame eventually gave up, panting heavily as he glared angrily at the smoke. The swordsmen fell heavily on his rump as Itachi sat up, grinning widely like a child with his hands in his lap.

"Now that wasn't easy was it?"

"Who said it was," Kisame asked. Itachi blinked a few times, staring blankly into dead space. Kisame took the cigarette and took a puff before handing it back to Itachi. "So what was our mission again?"

"Um…the leader wanted us to capture those tailed beasts right?"

"Yeah, but we captured ours remember? The four tailed alien monkey and that…oh we didn't capture the nine tails did we…?"

"No…it was because of that old toad Sannin guy…Jiraiya right?"

"Yeah, that guy was old." Kisame and Itachi both broke out in uncontrollably snickering. Their laughter was stopped when a twig snapped in the bushes and the Akatsuki duo froze stiff. "What was that," Kisame asked in a whisper.

"OH FUCK!!" Itachi's right eye widened, unleashing the black flames of Amaterasu, burning a large amount of the forest.

"What was it," Kisame asked, fumbling with Samehada.

"A white rabbit," Itachi shouted, his eye now bleeding. "That thing scared the fuck out of me! I thought it was an enemy!"

"Itachi, Kisame, what the hell?!" The two Akatsuki members turned around, seeing Zetsu seeping out of the ground. "You just flooded, then torched half of the damn forest! We're supposed to be a _secretive_ organization! Do you know what _secretive_ means?!" Itachi and Kisame both stared at Zetsu with blank looks. The Akatsuki spy waited for an answer, both sides grimacing in anger.

"Itachi, what is that thing," Kisame asked.

"I dunno…a lot of people have used white rabbits as substitution jutsus…maybe this was the guy who was trying to attack us…" Itachi and Kisame looked to one another then turned their heads back to Zetsu.

"!!!!!" Itachi and Kisame both charged forward, wailing loudly and throwing their arms around wildly as the rushed Zetsu.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Zetsu sunk back into the ground quickly.

"Get him Kisame!"

"Right!" Kisame jumped into the air and clapped his hands together in front of him, diving into the ground like a fish in water. The swordsmen started tunneling through the ground while Itachi waited. Suddenly, the ground broke apart and Zetsu went flying into the air.

"You idiots, what're you doing!?"

"Die plant monster!" Itachi tripped and fell forward onto his hands. However, the Uchiha member shot himself up into the air on his hands, flying feet first towards Zetsu. Itachi started kicking wildly at Zetsu who narrowly avoided each blow. "Take that, and that, and one of those!"

"Damn it, what the hell is the matter with you!?" Itachi landed a solid kick right in the center of Zetsu's head. The Akatsuki spy split into the white and black halves, quickly moving to either side of Itachi.

"Eat spiky sword," Kisame shouted as he flashed next to the black Zetsu, his sword raised high above his head.

"SHIT," Zetsu shouted before diving to the side. Kisame slammed his sword into the ground, shattering the solid rock like glass.

"Fuck you whitey! Fire ball…something!" Itachi exhaled a wave of fire at the white Zetsu who just landed on the ground.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Zetsu quickly sunk into the ground. "What's wrong with them!?"

"Whatever's wrong, we need help!" The two Zetsu's quickly ran towards each other then reformed and disappeared.

"We need to find them," Itachi shouted to Kisame.

"Right," the swordsmen snickered as he stumbled to stand up straight. Kisame fell on his back and started laughing. Itachi joined in, pointing at his blue partner and started chuckling.

Zetsu reappeared in front of Pain: the Akatsuki leader, "We got a problem…"

Itachi and Kisame were running through the forest, trying to find their plant enemy. "What's that," Kisame asked.

Itachi looked over, seeing an exotic plant, but it wasn't Zetsu. Without another word, Kisame raised his sword up then sent it crashing on the plant, destroying it completely. Suddenly, Itachi and Kisame's minds were taken away into a dark cave, surrounded by a few silhouetted figures.

"Dude, this is trippy," Itachi exclaimed, walking towards a hologram version of Deidara. "Whooooooooooo." The Uchiha member stuck his virtual hand through Deidara, waving it around mockingly. The act amused Itachi, but only enraged Deidara.

"GET YOUR DAMN HAND AWAY FROM ME!!"

"Itachi-san is funny," Tobi exclaimed, laughing at his sempai's anger.

"Shut up Tobi," Deidara barked.

"Hey, this guy only has one eye," Kisame pointed out, sticking his hand through Tobi's head. Deep down, this aggravated the Akatsuki member wearing the façade.

"What's wrong with them," Zetsu asked.

"That's the plant enemy," Itachi shouted. "Get him!" Kisame and Itachi ran forward and tried to tackle the hologram Zetsu, but only went right through him and hit the ground with a thud. The goofy Akatsuki duo rolled over on their backs and started cackling madly.

"They were like that when I found them," Zetsu explained. "Half the damn forest was flooded and the other half was being burned by Amaterasu." Pain walked up to the holograms and towered over them.

"Hey boss man," Itachi replied casually, giving a friendly wave.

"What's crackin," Kisame added. Pain leaned forward, staring at their eyes. Their scleras were blood red, and their unorthodox behavior mixed with their laughing meant one thing.

"They're high," the Akatsuki leader announced.

"High," Deidara repeated.

"Yes," Pain continued. "There's a special herb called weed, and if its smoke it does…well this. Deidara and Tobi, you two go and get Kisame and Itachi somewhere where they can't do any damage."

"Good luck with that," Zetsu muttered.

"Kisame, Itachi, stay right where you are," Pain snapped. "That's an order!" The high Akatsuki duo saluted Pain before turning to one another.

"I'm hungry, are you hungry Kisame?"

"I'm fucking starving!"

"You're both also stoned, stay where you are! Tobi, Deidara, hurry up!" Pain dismissed the meeting, and Kisame and Itachi were back in their own minds.

"What just happened," Kisame asked.

"Who knows? Let's get something to eat!" The two partners got to their feet then walked into the forest with their stomachs growling. "Hey look, berries!"

"Hey look, trees!"

"We need to wash these berries otherwise they might poison us. Kisame do we have water?" Itachi turned around, seeing Kisame take a huge chunk out of a tree and began chewing. "Dude, you look like a shark-beaver!" Itachi started snickering while Kisame laughed with a mouthful of wood. "Why would you eat a tree?"

Kisame spat the wood out and started laughing, "I don't know!" The Akatsuki partners began laughing hysterically, and eventually tears rolled down their faces. "Damn, that jacked my mouth up."

"Can't you just rinse it out with water," Itachi asked.

"Right, give me a second!" Kisame ran up and dove into a small river nearby.

"Dude, you're still wearing your clothes," Itachi shouted before falling on his back and laughing with mass hysteria. Meanwhile, Deidara and Tobi were watching from a distance from a safe hiding spot.

"What's wrong with them Deidara sempai?"

"We went over this," the bomber snapped. "They're high on some type of grass, and now they're extremely dangerous!"

"They look like they're having fun though," Tobi pointed out.

"Fine then, go up there and talk to them. Zetsu tried that and he almost got killed." Deidara smirked at the thought of Tobi finally learning a lesson or two.

"You got it sempai!" Tobi ran forward, laughing madly as he did. Itachi spun around, seeing Tobi prancing about and laughing. "Itachi-san! Let's have fun!"

"What type of fun," Itachi asked.

"I don't know, you and Kisame-san are having fun! I wanna have fun too!"

"Okay…let's boogey!"

"YAY!" Itachi started bouncing his shoulders and turning his body, trying to dance while staying coordinated. Tobi just jumped around, laughing and flailing his arms around Itachi. Just then, Kisame got out of the river and stared at the two Akatsuki members oddly. "Kisame-san! Come join us!"

"We're boogey-ing," Itachi added.

"ALRIGHT!!" Kisame ran up and started throwing his arms around, spinning and turning on his heels.

Deidara from a distance watched with absolute confusion and astonishment. Akatsuki, the most feared organization in the shinobi world, would've had its image shattered if anyone saw three of its members dancing around like idiots.

"I…this is…forget it, I'm not dealing with this." Deidara got up and started walking away.

"DEIDARA SEMPAI," Tobi called out. The blonde Akatsuki member froze in his tracks, terrified of what might happen next. Deidara slowly turned his head around, seeing the three Akatsuki members staring at him, but still dancing. "Come join us sempai!"

'_DAMN IT TOBI!!'_ Deidara watched as Kisame and Itachi's eyes narrowed at him. "Uh…maybe later, leader wants me for an uh…special mission!"

"Deidara sempai no wants to boogey," Tobi asked with a hurt tone. Itachi and Kisame gasped, causing Deidara to flinch.

"He doesn't want to boogey," Itachi shouted. "He's not one of us!"

"GET OVER HERE CINDERELLA!!" Kisame charged forward towards Deidara headfirst. Deidara leaped into the air, causing Kisame to collide with a tree, and break it.

"," Deidara looked over, seeing Itachi coming at him feet first, "YA!"

Itachi sent a sweeping kick outward, connecting to Deidara's face. The bomber spun around several times before Itachi sent another kick to his stomach. Deidara's spinning stopped, but he and Itachi then started descending towards the ground. Itachi then landed a series of kicks to Deidara's face and stomach with amazing speed that was difficult for Deidara to keep up with. As they fell, Itachi even had time to perform the river dance on Deidara's stomach, before the latter smashed into the ground. Itachi flipped backwards off Deidara, staring at the now unconscious Akatsuki member.

"Sempaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai," Tobi wailed. "Why couldn't you just boogey with us?! You could've lived!" Itachi groaned suddenly, holding his head as he stumbled around a little. Kisame got up and almost fell back again.

"I-I don't feel good," Kisame stated.

"Me either," Itachi added. Tobi watched the two Akatsuki members stumbling around like drunken idiots.

'_They must be coming down,'_ Madara thought to himself. The masked Akatsuki member approached Itachi then lightly tapped him on the chest. Itachi fell on his back and was sound asleep. "Itachi-san?" Tobi turned around, seeing Kisame fall face first into the dirt. "Kisame-san? Tobi all alone!"

Hours later, Itachi awoke in a dark cave, groaning as he held the side of his head. "What happened…?" The sound of Kisame groaning caused Itachi to turn his head around. "Kisame…?"

"What happened," the swordsmen asked.

"I don't know…what was the last thing we remember…?" Kisame and Itachi looked away, their eyes narrowed due to the fact that they felt dried out.

"I remember smoking that grass that merchant sold me…"

"I remember that too…then what happened…?" Kisame shrugged his shoulders, groaning once again. "So we have no idea what happened…?"

"I'll tell you what happened," Zetsu's voice echoed through the cave. "You both acted like idiots! You even attacked me and Deidara!"

"Why, ugh, why would we attack you and Deidara both," Kisame questioned.

"Pain said because weed makes you act like idiots! You both were about as smart as Tobi! You flooded half a forest to put out a little flame on your sleeve that Itachi started! You both also pointed out strange physical characteristics about one another, came to the realization that Kisame is blue and looks like a shark, burned half a forest with Amaterasu, took a chunk out of a tree with your mouth, wanted to see a fight between Kisame and Kakuzu, because neither of you two have seen a shark fight a zombie, _tried_ to catch smoke, and you both danced with Tobi." Kisame stifled his laughter, causing Zetsu to whip his head over.

"That was actually me laughing," Kisame replied, holding his hands up. "We danced with Tobi?"

"Itachi-san called it boogey-ing," Tobi's voice called out. Itachi's eyes widened a bit with horror while Kisame chuckled.

"Boogey-ing Itachi," Kisame questioned.

"Kisame-san knows how to boogey," Tobi added with his carefree voice. Kisame's face twisted a bit, unable to comprehend himself dancing. Itachi cracked a smirk, turning his head to Kisame.

"I never knew you danced Kisame."

"Kisame-san also called Deidara sempai 'Cinderella' before Itachi-san river-dancededed on his stomach!" Kisame and Itachi both tried to hold back their laughter, but it broke out in weak chuckles.

"Are you sure they came down," Zetsu asked Pain's hologram.

"Most likely," Pain replied. "They have their minds back, but it'll take awhile for the full effects to ware off."

"Did we do anything else _that_ funny," Kisame asked.

"You knocked down a tree with your head," Zetsu replied.

"Itachi, Kisame, you two are to stay in here for at least twelve hours before the full effects of that weed ware off," Pain ordered. "After that then you'll be allowed to leave, understand?"

"Yes leader," Itachi replied with a bow, still smiling.

"Zetsu, keep watch over them just in case."

"Me," Zetsu repeated, turning to Pain. "Why not Tobi? He gets along with them when they're stoned!"

"Fine, Tobi, stay with Kisame and Itachi, Deidara…try not to get hurt again." Everyone turned to the other corner of the cave, seeing Deidara in beg with his entire abdomen wrapped in bandages. The bomber was glaring angrily at Tobi, Kisame, and Itachi, all of which were chuckling with amusement. "I'm going to go check on Kakuzu and Hidan's progress. I'll be sure to let Kakuzu know a shark wants to fight him." Pain disappeared from the cave and Zetsu sunk into the ground.

"Hey Kisame, what to head back to that village after we get out of here," Itachi asked.

"NO," Deidara shouted. Itachi snickered a bit then turned to the blonde.

"I'm kidding, sheesh! Lighten up!"

"Wait, did that stuff work at all Itachi," Kisame asked. "Can you see better at all?" Itachi's eyes widened a bit as he looked around.

"I think so? It helped a little bit and stuff…"

"We might have to buy more of that stuff then," Kisame stated with a grin.

"Good stuff Kisame," Itachi replied with a wide grin.

* * *

So yeah, _TOTALLY_ random story, but I hope you all liked it. If you did like it, then PLEASE review! And check out my other stories if you want! There's no weed smoking, but still I hope you'll read and enjoy them.


	2. Capturing Naruto

Itachi and Kisame walked through the forest, after sealing the four tailed Jinchuriki. The duo had also received word that Orochimaru had been killed by Sasuke, who was now after Itachi. The older Uchiha stayed silent, staring dead ahead of himself. Kisame looked to his partner, examining his face for a moment. Kisame knew Itachi well enough to know when his partner was brooding. Not the normal brooding either, the quite, contemplating something brooding. He was planning to face his brother. Sasuke beat Orochimaru. Itachi did the same thing a few years back. If they fought, there was no guarantee that Itachi would survive. Kisame sighed heavily, staring down to the ground he walked on.

"What's wrong," Itachi questioned.

"It's nothing," Kisame answered. The shark man looked up, noticing that Itachi hadn't even turned around. Kisame twitched irritably. He could at least pretend he cared for once. "It's just, I've been thinking…" Itachi turned his head, glancing back at his partner. Kisame never thought…about anything. He usually swung his sword and called it a day. "I know you're planning to fight Sasuke." Itachi blinked and widened his eyes with shock. When was Kisame this observant? "There's no certain way to know if you're going to make it through the fight or not…you're going to have to be at the top of your game Itachi."

"Kisame, there are things you don't understand that-,"

"Your eyesight needs to be improved," Kisame continued as he pulled out a baggie. Itachi stared at the familiar grass in the bag with bewilderment. "So, we'll smoke a little and-,"

"NO! Never again," Itachi shouted. "You remember what happened the last time we smoked that?"

"Uh…I don't remember what happened during, but I remember our punishment from Leader."

"We tried to kill Zetsu!"

"That guy's a big baby. 'Oh Itachi kicked me in the face, Kisame almost struck me with his sword, Itachi used Amaterasu on me. Oh whoa is me!' Come on Itachi, what's the worst they can do? We're down more than half of our manpower, they can't afford to punish us like children. Just one cigarette, just ONE." Itachi groaned and shook his head.

"Fine, but just one!" Kisame grinned his sharp toothed grin then pulled out a giant lump of grass. "Hey, no way, that's way too much!"

"You said one cigarette, we never agreed how much." Itachi sighed heavily as Kisame started rolling the grass in a torn off bandage from his sword. "Care for a light?" Itachi cracked a smirk before exhaling a tiny fireball, lighting the end of the cigarette.

Kisame chuckled like a child as he placed the cigarette between his lips and took a long drag. The shark coughed furiously as he handed it off to Itachi. The blue skinned man fell on his rear in a heap, still coughing but grinning with a dastardly look. Itachi took a hit, stifling his coughs as he gently sat down across from his partner. Kisame grinned at his partner, who only blew out a cloud of smoke.

"What're you smiling at?"

"I always smile man," Kisame replied, taking the cigarette from Itachi.

"Are you already high?" Kisame coughed as he took another hit, shaking his head and wheezing while still smiling.

"Not yet, but I do always smile." Itachi shrugged in agreement, taking the roll from his partner. "Hey Itachi, what was your life like before joining Akatsuki?" Itachi exhaled, coughing twice before handing it off.

"Crap. I had to try and please my father by being the best, and he told me to spy on the village, and then the village told me to spy on my clan." Kisame took a hit, exhaling slowly. "And then a bunch of old people ordered me to murder my clan…so yeah, it sucked."

"Dang, I didn't know the massacre was an order," Kisame muttered. The shark ninja handed the cigarette back to Itachi.

"Yeah…it's supposed to be secret though, so don't tell anyone." Itachi inhaled deeply, holding his breath as he removed the cigarette from his lips.

"You got it buddy. Awe man, I can't wait to tell Deidara about this!"

"No, dude, it's a secret!" Kisame watched as smoke came out of Itachi's mouth with every word he said. The blue Akatsuki member blinked a few times in confusion then thought for a moment.

"So…I can't tell Deidara? But I tell him everything! Even about when you use to wet the bed as a kid." Itachi's head nearly exploded as he took another puff. Smoke flew out of his mouth as he pounded his chest, trying to clear his throat. Kisame snickered as his teammate nearly choked to death.

"You asshole! You told him that?"

"Dude, he and I are gossip buddies." Kisame took the cigarette as Itachi handed it to him. "You and Sasori were gossip buddies right?"

"No, we just collected stamps! We always compared out collections!" Kisame snickered, his body shaking heavily.

"Dude, you collect stamps? I can't wait to tell Deidara!"

"You do and I'll tell Sasori about your 'experimenting' in swordsmen camp!" This time, Kisame's head nearly exploded as he started coughing madly, almost throwing the cigarette to the ground before Itachi quickly took the roll.

"You wouldn't dare tell Sasori about…wait…Sasori is dead…" Itachi blinked a few times in disbelief, thinking things over.

"Damn, how long has he been dead?" Itachi took a long drag of the cigarette.

"Must be going on a year now…"

Itachi exhaled a long trail of smoke, "Damn…" Itachi took another quick hit then handed the cigarette off to Kisame. "Hey, what was your life like before you joined Akatsuki?"

"Awe it was great! I did what I wanted, when I wanted, who I wanted! I even thought about opening an amusement park with blackjack and hookers. But I said screw the blackjack…then I said screw the whole thing. But I didn't do anything wrong! So sometimes I got drunk in a few bars and spoke a little bit too loudly about some of the village's secrets, that doesn't mean its espionage! It means I'm a loud drunk! And don't even get me started on that feudal lord thing! That guy shouldn't have been flaunting his money! Just throwing millions out to the poor! I just took one handful and his guards try to take it away! Have you seen how big I am! I'm a freaking huge man that's part shark! A shark-man has to eat too ya know!"

"Yeah, I mean sharks eat a lot, and you're a really big dude. That's like…eight times the food consumption of a grown man."

"Exactly! So I had to rough up a few guards, and maybe a hobo or two got in the way along with the feudal lord. It's still not my fault! Have you seen the size of this sword? With someone wielding this thing you think they'd clear out!"

"Yeah man, I mean that sword's bigger than me."

"Hey, how funny would it be if I used you as a sword?" Itachi snickered then stood up.

"Dude, let's try it!"

"No way man, I'm gonna bust your face on a tree." Itachi giggled then sat down.

"Yeah okay." Kisame took a drag of the cigarette then handed it off to Itachi. "Hey, could I use your sword sometime?"

"I don't think so buddy, this thing would poke holes straight through your hand." Itachi whined as he fell on his back, staring up at the sky.

"Hey Kisame…" The shark man hummed as Itachi took a hit of the grass. The Uchiha exhaled then let his hand fall stretched out far from his body. "What's it like being blue?"

"It's not an easy life kid," Kisame replied as he rolled up his own joint. "People point and laugh, women only want you to see if it's like some type of weird tan line, people point and laugh, you kill some kids in a drunken rage…shit happens when you're blue…"

"Sounds rough…so," Itachi rolled over, holding himself up on his arms, "you've killed kids?"

"Not cute kids," Kisame replied. "More like those annoying kids, ya know the ones that just whine and bitch about not getting a treat or something. And those annoying teenagers who talk back to their parents like they know everything."

"Awe I hate those kids," Itachi screamed. "I wish I could kill them but I'm a pacifist."

"Say WHAT?" Kisame fell forward, holding himself up on his elbows. "You're a pacifist, but you killed your entire clan?"

"It doesn't make sense does it? But hell, I did it and I'm that much more of a badass for it!" Kisame took a puff and nodded. Itachi also inhaled deeply. The duo exhaled at the same time, combining the two clouds of smoke together. Kisame snickered while Itachi giggled, "That's so cool ain't it?"

"Two clouds of smoke…they combine together to make one cloud of smoke…ya know the villages could learn something from this cloud…"

"Totally…they should pay attention to this stuff."

"What stuff," Kisame asked.

"That stuff," Itachi replied, falling backwards onto his elbows.

"What stuff," Kisame asked again.

"That stuff," Itachi answered, pointing to the cloud of smoke. Kisame turned his head and looked to the sky. There was a squirrel sitting on a tree branch, eating a nut.

"That stuff?"

"No, not that stuff. Look closer to _that_ stuff." Kisame trailed his sight down the tree, seeing a deer walking by.

"That stuff?"

"No, this stuff!" Kisame turned around as the cloud of smoke disappeared. "Now the stuff is gone!"

"We still got this stuff," Kisame replied, holding up his joint.

"This is good stuff."

"Very good stuff," the shark man corrected.

"Not like killing kids and stuff…"

"Or wetting the bed and collect stamps stuff…" Itachi narrowed his eyes then took another drag at the same time Kisame did. "Did you seriously collect that stuff?"

"No, but I did wet my bed stuff."

"Nasty stuff."

"You're blue…and stuff…"

"Good stuff…"

"AH HA! FOUND YOU!" Kisame and Itachi looked up, seeing a blonde with blue eyes and whisker marks on his cheeks land in front of the Akatsuki duo. "Uh oh…" Naruto looked back and forth between the partners. "Both of you…"

"Hey it's that blonde guy," Kisame exclaimed happily.

"He's got that demon and stuff right?" Kisame nodded once. "So…we're supposed to capture him and stuff…maybe it'll be easier with this stuff."

"What the hell is the matter with you two," Naruto asked.

"Nothing Naruto, come here and try this stuff." The Jinchuriki stepped back, staring questioningly at the Akatsuki members. "Come on, we won't bite…though I'd keep your distance from Kisame." The blue Akatsuki member snapped his teeth once. Naruto yelped and jumped back.

"What the hell? Aren't you two supposed to be capturing me!"

"We're chillin dude," Kisame replied. "Join us man, we're not here to make war right now. Just sit down and take a hit." Naruto remained where he was, too skeptical to even twitch. "I don't think he likes us Itachi…" The black haired Akatsuki member lied on his back and extended his feet to Kisame.

"You know what to do big guy," Itachi replied, snickering quietly to himself.

"Dude," Kisame shouted before giggling. "This is gonna be sweet!"

Kisame grabbed one of Itachi's ankles then lunged at Naruto. The Jinchuriki screamed with fear as Kisame planted a foot into the ground and swung Itachi. Naruto ducked just as Itachi flew right above his head. Kisame let go of Itachi's ankle, allowing his partner to grab Naruto from behind and stick the cigarette in the boy's mouth. Naruto shook his head around, trying to resist. Kisame came up and held Naruto's head still. The Jinchuriki then screamed and shouted, looking on with fear as the unknown roll of grass came closer to his mouth. The tip of it made its way between Naruto's lips, but the blonde started breathing heavily through his nose.

"Dude, not cool," Itachi said before pinching Naruto's nose shut.

The blonde closed his eyes, trying to hold his breath. After a few moments, Naruto gave up and took a long drag to try and get Itachi and Kisame off him. It worked, as they both released Naruto, letting him fall to his hands and knees, fitfully coughing. Itachi and Kisame busted up laughing as they looked down at Naruto. Itachi was laughing so hard that he was working his legs like he was running. Kisame slapped his face to his forehead and put the other to his side as he laughed at both Itachi and Naruto. The Jinchuriki's shoulders started shaking as he started laughing as well as coughing.

"Dudes, sh-sh-sh-shut the fuck up," Naruto wheezed. This caused the trio to laugh even harder. "What is that stuff?"

"This stuff," Kisame asked, holding up his rolled up joint.

"That stuff," Naruto confirmed with a nod.

"It's good stuff," Itachi answered.

"But what's it called and stuff," Naruto questioned.

"Weed," the Akatsuki partners replied in unison.

"Why weed? Why not good stuff?"

"Good question," Kisame replied. "Who names this stuff?"

"People who find this stuff," Itachi guessed with a shrug.

"Deep stuff man," Kisame responded, nodding slowly with his eyes narrowed.

"You got more of that stuff," Naruto asked.

"You want your own one with this stuff," Itachi questioned.

"Hell yeah…and stuff!"

"Kisame, go get him this stuff!" The shark-man scampered off, tearing a piece of the bandaging off of his sword and rolling it around a clump of grass.

"I got the stuff!" Kisame ran up and handed it to Naruto.

"Do I need fire or hot stuff?"

"I am hot stuff," Itachi boasted, "And I can bring the FI-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Itachi made a series of hand signs then exhaled a huge ball of fire upon the tip of the cigarette.

"Dude, that was sweet," Kisame exclaimed.

"Yeah, and unlike Amaterasu, that fire doesn't fuck my eyes up! Awe shit!" Itachi started blinking rapidly, rubbing his eye. "I think a piece of ash got in my eye man!"

"That sucks dude," Naruto replied before taking a long drag. "Kisame, use your water jutsus to help."

"Sure thing buddy!" Kisame squirted out a stream of water like a fountain in Itachi's eye.

"Awe dude, are you spitting in his eye," Naruto asked. Kisame's 'jutsu' started to break due to him and Naruto both laughing. Itachi rubbed his eye some more with his now wet hands.

"Dudes, how's my eye?" Kisame leaned forward, examining his partner's eye for a second before jumping back and screaming. "WHAT? What is it?"

"Dude, your eye is red!" Itachi started screaming as he covered his eye.

"Oh no, my vision! It's all blurry and stuff!" Itachi started screaming hysterically, thrashing his head around as if he'd catch a clear patch of scenery. Kisame started muttering over and over 'what can I do,' as he paced around the panicking Itachi.

"Wait, wait, wait," Naruto shouted. "You have the Sharingan right?" Itachi and Kisame both froze, staring wide eyed at Naruto. Itachi nodded once. "And that Mangekyo Sharingan makes you lose your eyesight over time right?"

"Where are you going with this," Itachi asked.

"YEAH! Quit leaving me in suspense!"

"Your eye is red because you have your Sharingan activated, and your eyesight is blurred because you use it too much!"

"Oh," Itachi and Kisame exclaimed. The trio then started laughing uncontrollably, falling on their backs. Naruto, Itachi, and Kisame took a long drag from their cigarettes then stared at the sky.

"Hey you guys," Naruto piped up between coughs. The Akatsuki partners looked over at Naruto. "Why are you guys trying to hunt me down so much?"

"I think our leader wants to open a petting zoo," Itachi answered. Kisame snickered, smoking coming out of his nose and mouth. Naruto rolled on his front, trying to hold back his laughter as he stared at a grinning Itachi.

"A petting zoo," Naruto asked, "With those big animals? That'd be fucking sweet!"

"I know right," Kisame shouted. "That's why Akatsuki is so awesome!"

"Speak for yourself," Naruto hissed, taking another hit. "You guys have tried to capture me several times before remember!"

"Right," Kisame agreed with a shameful nod.

"Why always the fighting," Itachi asked with a shrug.

"Yeah man, just mellow out," Naruto added. "Have you guys ever tried asking the Jinchuriki to come along instead of killing people and blowing shit up?"

"I tried with you man," Itachi snapped. "But you were all like 'no I'm not coming with you evil Itachi! Rasengan!' That shit hurts my feelings ya know…"

"Yeah, you two are from the same village ya know! And Itachi only killed his clan because he was ordered to by some old guys!"

"What old guys?"

"Just some old guys," Itachi replied, waving his hand dismissively.

"Old man Hokage guys?" Itachi nodded once, causing Naruto to gasp with shock. "Not _THAT_ old man guy!"

"Him, the rest of the old council, and that old dude with one eye and one arm."

"Hanzo," Kisame questioned.

"No, that's the leader of the rain village."

"You mean Danzo that old guy who hides underground?"

"Orochimaru," Kisame asked bewildered.

"No," Itachi snapped as Kisame took a hit.

"But Orochimaru is like, fifty, and he lives underground and stuff."

"He's dead though isn't he," Naruto asked. The Akatsuki partners nodded. "Sweet. Hey, does either of you guys know what my mission was? I know I was supposed to do something, but I can't think of it right now."

"Chase after Sasuke," Kisame guessed. "You've been doing that for the better part of three and a half years now…"

"Yeah, what the hell man," Itachi snapped. "He's my brother and he treated you like shit!" The black haired Akatsuki member took a long drag then continued with smoke coming out of his mouth and nose, "You should be trying to get a girlfriend or something!"

"Or trying to take down Akatsuki," Kisame muttered. "Seriously, how concerned is your Hokage with getting Sasuke back?"

"Not very," Naruto murmured. "She sent twenty shinobi out to just go after two Akatsuki members." Itachi and Kisame coughed fitfully as clouds of smoke came from their mouths.

"Twenty," Itachi wheezed.

"For who," Kisame asked.

"That one dude with the scythe and the dude who looked like a zombie Zabuza." Kisame snickered, his shoulders shaking slightly.

"Zombie Zabuza…"

"Still, twenty? How many do you have coming on the mission you're on now?" Naruto looked up, counting each person one by one.

"Eight," Naruto finally answered.

"And what's the mission," Itachi questioned. Naruto looked up, scrunching his face while his ran through his mind.

"Capture Itachi Uchiha…HEY that's you!"

"Yeah, you notice how she sends waves of shinobi after us," Kisame questioned. "How often has she sent other shinobi out to look for Sasuke?"

"Aside from my team," Naruto asked. Kisame and Itachi nodded. "Zero."

"Maybe you see a pattern here," Itachi wondered before taking another hit.

"Alright fine, next time I see that Sasuke I'm gonna beat the fuck out of him!"

"Save some for me too," Itachi exclaimed. "That little brooding punk needs to be taught a lesson or three!"

"I'll join ya guys! Granted I have nothing against Sasuke, but you guys don't like him, and I have a good feeling about you guys."

"Damn straight you got a good feeling about us," Naruto shouted. The Jinchuriki took the longest drag so far then started coughing, "Believe it!" The trio got up then started walking, still smoking their cigarettes as they moved through the forest.

The trio walked through for hours and the sun was setting quickly behind the horizon. The baked group hardly noticed as they mindlessly looked through the dark forest to try and find Sasuke. Within the shadows lurked four enemies that were watching their prey. One figure shot out first, screaming as he moved towards Kisame. The shark-man bended over backwards, now doing a crabwalk as his opponent flew over him. A boy in white with a purple tank-top skidded to a halt, wielding a giant sword in his hands.

"Hey, Zabuza," Kisame exclaimed happily. Naruto and Itachi turned around, seeing the angry white haired boy.

"That's not Zabuza," Naruto shouted, aiming a finger of accusation at the boy.

"How do you know," Kisame asked.

"Zabuza didn't have pointy teeth! He wore a mask!"

"What're you stupid," the white haired boy asked. Kisame, who was still staring upside down, narrowed his eyes on the boy.

"Hey, you're right! And Zabuza had spiky hair!" Naruto crossed his arms and nodded over and over.

"Now would be a good time to join assholes," the white haired boy called out.

Three figures shot out from the bushes. One was a large young man with orange hair who went for Naruto while the other was a young girl with red hair and glasses who went after Kisame and the last was none other than Sasuke Uchiha. Naruto looked down and squatted to the ground, staring at a caterpillar that was inching by. The orange haired boy flew over the Jinchuriki and smashed into a tree, which he knocked over. The young girl tried stabbing Kisame with a kunai, but the shark-man, without taking his eyes off the white haired boy, grabbed her wrist and held her firmly in place. Sasuke swung his sword, beheading his brother with a sadistic grin. Itachi's head flew up above his body a few inches, before it molded into a crow. Sasuke scowled angrily as the crow flew up and pecked Sasuke's eye.

"OW! Fuck!" Kisame and Naruto started snickering as Itachi's head popped up from his shoulders, grinning like a mischievous child. Sasuke, with a hand over his poked eye, glared at the three snickering shinobi. "What's so funny!"

"Hey Itachi," Kisame called out, looking at the redhead, "It looks like this girl got in a fight with a comb and won…and then lost the second round!" The trio started snickering uncontrollably. Sasuke and company stared at the group with confusion.

"How is that funny," the redhead asked.

"Hell if I know Karin, but they're making fun of you."

"Fuck off Suigetsu!"

"Oh shit," Itachi shouted, "Kisame, it's the boss!" The shark-man looked at Jugo, staring at the hair style and color, but then stared at his eyes.

"Man, you need to stop using that blinding Sharingan so much," Kisame shouted. "That kid doesn't have the boss's eyes!" Itachi scrunched his face, narrowing his eyes to focus in.

"Oh hey, you're right…"

"Itachi," Sasuke shouted. "Face me!" Itachi turned around, his arms flopping around like noodles. Sasuke scowled angrily, clenching his fists tightly. "Stop acting like this and get serious!"

"Uh…" Itachi looked to his old partner, and his new partner then back at Sasuke. "Okay, okay, I'm good. Let's do this, come on buddy." Itachi slouched over, his arms still hanging limply at his side.

Sasuke growled angrily then lunged forward. The younger Uchiha brother raised his sword high above his head then swung downward, slicing his brother down the middle. The two halves broke up into a flock of crows, flying towards Sasuke and slapping him with their wings. Sasuke screamed angrily, trying to shield himself from the feathery smacks. One clump of crows gathered together to form Itachi's arm. Sasuke couldn't see, but he sure felt it when the back of Itachi's hand smacked him across the face. The younger brother fell to his hands and knees as the crows flew into the air. Itachi walked out from behind a nearby tree, snickering to himself. Sasuke scowled angrily as he swung upward at his brother. Itachi pulled back, bonking the back of his head against a tree. Itachi started laughing along with Naruto and Kisame who were watching. Suigetsu let out a few weak chuckles, finding amusement in the unorthodox fight. Sasuke swung at Itachi's head again. The older brother ducked as Sasuke cleaved a straight line through the tree. Itachi spun around then placed his foot against the three, and thrusted his upper body forward with his fists impacting Sasuke's stomach. The younger Uchiha flew back and hit painfully into a tree.

"Sasuke," Karin shrieked.

"Hey, shut up and finish combing your hair," Naruto exclaimed.

"Nice," Kisame shouted, slapping hands with the Jinchuriki.

"Yeah, and you," Naruto pointed to Suigetsu. "What the hell are you doing grave robbing Zabuza? That guy may have been a bad guy, but he still was really cool! And you," Naruto pointed to Jugo, "What the hell are you here for? You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn! Not only that, but you couldn't hit me either! And you Sasuke!" The young Uchiha glared angrily over at Naruto, who was struggling to stay balanced. "You…you just suck man!"

"HA! You said he sucks man," Itachi yelled. Kisame cackled hysterically along with Naruto while Itachi only snickered. Sasuke screamed angrily as he rushed Naruto in blind anger.

The raven haired Uchiha swung downward at Naruto, aiming for the neck. Naruto spun around, narrowly avoiding the blade. Sasuke looked over, seeing a Rasengan in Naruto's hand which was coming straight towards him. The Uchiha jumped in the air, managing to avoid the chakra ball by a mile. Naruto spun around, his Rasengan impacting the ground which resulted in an explosion. The boom sent Naruto flying through the air, spinning around and around at a wild rate. Sasuke's eyes widened with shock as he prepared himself. Even the boy's Sharingan had trouble keeping track of Naruto's speed. Sasuke started to bring his sword up to bare, but before he knew it, Naruto was already too close. The blonde used his hand and hit the broad side of Sasuke's sword, knocking it downward and out of the way. Sasuke angrily looked on as Naruto was staring directly up at the sky, but was still propelled at him. Naruto brought his fist down on the back of Sasuke's head with enough power to rival Sakura. Sasuke flew towards the ground and landed face-first in a second. The Uchiha's head was stuck within the ground as Naruto hit the ground and rolled on his back, still staring at the sky.

"Dudes, look at the sky!" Itachi and Kisame looked up, both taking a hit from their cigarettes.

"Dude," Kisame replied.

"It's like a purple-orange-blue-red color…that's trippy!" The group could hear a muffled scream and all eyes were on Sasuke who was struggling to pull his head out of the ground with his legs. "Dang Naruto, that was so cool…"

"It's like the reverse of the head-hunter jutsu," Kisame stated with a chuckle.

"Wait, wait, wait, I got an idea," Naruto exclaimed. The boy clasped his hands together, sticking both index and middle fingers forward. Naruto started snickering as he rose up to his feet. Itachi and Kisame were giggling, but they had no idea what the boy was planning. Naruto suddenly sprinted forward with his hands in front of him, aimed at Sasuke's rump. "Secret jutsu: ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!" Naruto jammed his fingers up Sasuke's butt with all his might.

The young Uchiha ripped his head out of the ground, screaming in unbearable pain as he shot straight up into the air. Itachi and Kisame howled with laughter, falling on their backs and holding their sides in pain. Karin placed her hands over her mouth in shock as she stared at Sasuke flying through the air. Suigetsu started laughing as well, but not as badly as Itachi or Kisame. Jugo simply stared with wide eyes. Naruto held up his hands still clasped together and then blew on the tips as if it were the barrel of a smoking gun. The Jinchuriki then made a face and sniffed.

"AWE DUDES! Smell this! It's SO nasty!" Sasuke landed back on the ground, rolling around in the dirt as he held his backside in pain. "Dude, do you EVER wipe?"

"I got some paper you can use," Kisame offered, holding out the bandages from his sword. Sasuke opened his eyes, glaring at Naruto with all of his hate.

"Damn you! If it's the last thing I do Naruto, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!" The young Uchiha groaned in pain once again then commenced with rolling around.

"That was the funniest thing I've ever seen man," Itachi exclaimed. "Hey wait Kisame, why don't we do that thing that we said we were going to do."

"What thing," Kisame questioned. Itachi lied on his back, then extended one foot at the shark-man. "Oh that thing! You got it buddy!" Kisame grabbed Itachi's ankle then charged at Sasuke.

The younger brother just managed to stand on his own feet before he turned his head and saw Kisame running at him. Sasuke jumped back as Kisame swung Itachi crossways, the blue man's arm across his chest now. Itachi shot a fireball from the other side of Kisame from behind the shark-man, aimed directly at Sasuke. The young Uchiha sprung into the air, jumping over the fireball. Kisame hurled Itachi, sending the older brother head-over-heels over and over again, flying towards Sasuke. The younger brother prepared his Chidori as Itachi approached. This was it, his Sharingan fixated solely on Itachi, ready to take his revenge at long last. Sasuke threw his left hand forward, screaming with all his might. Itachi grabbed Sasuke's wrist and averted his little brother's Chidori, then poked him in the eyes. Sasuke screamed in pain as his jutsu deactivated as he covered his eyes. Itachi elbowed Sasuke in the stomach then threw him to the ground. Sasuke hit with a dull thud. Itachi landed on his feet, stumbled a bit, but caught himself on the tree. Sasuke slowly pushed himself up, panting heavily as he looked over at his clumsy brother.

"What the hell," Sasuke muttered. Itachi, Kisame, and Naruto all started laughing for no apparent reason. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL?" Everyone looked over at Sasuke who stood up suddenly in rage. "What made you like this? You're all acting like complete idiots!"

"Hey, that's rude," Kisame shouted.

"Yeah, who're you calling an idiot," Naruto questioned angrily. "We may be idiots, but you had four fingers shoved up your butt!" The Akatsuki partners started snickering while Sasuke scowled angrily.

"Hey, we're almost out of the stuff," Kisame exclaimed in alarm.

"What stuff," Naruto asked.

"This stuff," Kisame replied, holding up his almost burned out joint.

"What stuff," Itachi asked again.

"The good stuff," Naruto questioned.

"The good stuff is sex and stuff," Itachi said matter-of-factly.

"Sounds like good stuff," Naruto admitted.

"It is good stuff," Kisame agreed with a pervy grin. "But I'm not talking about that stuff! I'm talking about _THIS_ stuff!"

"The grass stuff," Itachi inquired.

"We got grass stuff," Naruto snapped, pointing to the grass beneath their feet.

"Can we smoke it like this stuff," Kisame asked.

"I'm not sure it's the same stuff," Itachi answered.

"That's not good stuff," Naruto exclaimed.

"But we're almost out of this good stuff," Kisame shouted. Naruto and Itachi gasped, looking at their joints.

"Not good, my stuffs out," Itachi shouted. "And it's been burning my fingertips for the past few minutes! Look at this black stuff!"

"Awe man, I'm out of my stuff too!"

"The stuff," Kisame exclaimed in horror. "The stuff is gone…"

"We can get more stuff from that creepy merchant who sells stuff right," Itachi asked.

"Oh right, I forgot he sold me this stuff," Kisame replied with a grin.

"Can I get some of that stuff," Naruto asked.

"Sure, just come with us to get the stuff," Itachi replied, placing a friendly arm around Naruto's shoulders.

"More stuff, here we come!"

"ENOUGH," Sasuke shouted. "This ends now!" Itachi, Naruto, and Kisame looked over at Sasuke.

"You're still here," Itachi questioned. "Go away, we need to get the stuff."

"Our stuff," Kisame added.

"The good stuff," Naruto finished.

"No," Sasuke shouted. "I'm going to kill you all right here on the spot!" The baked trio blinked unconvincingly. "Prepare to die, it ends HE-,"

Sasuke was cut off by Naruto letting out the longest fart that lasted for nearly ten seconds. Everyone was quite before the stoned trio started laughing uncontrollably. Sasuke scowled angrily and in a blind rage, lunged forward. Itachi stepped between his brother and his partners then exhaled a huge wave of smoke. Sasuke was forced to stop and shield his eyes while coughing up a fit. Itachi stepped forward, smacking Sasuke across the face twice with the same hand, poking him forcefully in the forehead, jabbing him in the stomach, chopping him in the side of the neck, spinning around to elbow him in the gut, using the same arm to throw the back of his hand straight into Sasuke's face, spinning back around to bitch-slap Sasuke again, two more slow jabs to the stomach before throwing the back of his fist into Sasuke's face, taking a Rock Lee stance. Sasuke flew back and hit the ground, bouncing once then rolling to a stop. Time stood still and nobody moved, or even breathed. Naruto and Kisame then started a small applause, cheering excitedly for Itachi. The older brother turned around and bowed in a showman like fashion before approaching his partners.

"Dude, that was cool stuff," Naruto exclaimed.

"I'll say," Kisame added, "You slapped him and stuff!"

"Damn straight," Itachi shouted. "So, on to get more stuff?"

"Good stuff Itachi," Naruto replied with a wide grin.

You all have deathsilver to thank for this chapter since he gave me this wonderful idea to work with lol so thank him if you know him, and if not…thank him anyway! Hope you enjoyed, and please leave reviews!

I may or may not continue…I'm not sure what'll happen in the next chapter if this does continue on though lol So don't hold your breath…er…do hold your breath…er…just breathe people!


	3. Peace to the World Man

"So how'd you find out about this stuff," Naruto asked.

"From this creepy merchant," Kisame replied. "He said this stuff would help Itachi see things, and he has crappy vision anyway!"

"Uh oh…I think the stuff is wearing off," Itachi said.

"Crap," Kisame and Naruto exclaimed.

"Where's that creepy merchant when you need him?"

"Right here stranger," a gruff voice replied. The three shinobi shrieked with fright as they launched into the air. A man wearing a hood and mask, hunched over stared up at the cowering shinobi in the tree. "It's only me, I won't bite."

"Oh," Itachi sighed out. "Good." The Uchiha jumped down in front of the merchant. "We need all the stuff you got."

"What stuff," the merchant asked.

"That grass stuff," Kisame shouted from the tree, inching towards a squirrel on the end of a branch. "Gotcha!" The swordsmen dove forward just as the squirrel jumped to the next tree. Kisame broke through the tree branch then crashed on the ground behind Itachi.

"I have grass stuff?"

"Yeah," Naruto exclaimed. "That grass stuff that we smoke!"

"OH _THAT_ stuff," the merchant replied. "Got something special for ya right here stranger…s…" The merchant pulled his coat open, causing the three shinobi to shriek in a high pitch tone again. "What?" The man looked down then quickly covered his nudity. "Whoops, my bad…I also flash people for fun." Itachi turned around, seeing Kisame rocking back and forth in the fetal position while sucking his thumb. "Here ya go, Christmas came early!" The merchant grabbed a giant bag from behind a tree and tossed it at Itachi and Naruto's feet.

"Is it full of stuff," Naruto asked.

"Full of stuff," the merchant replied.

"Good stuff," Itachi inquired.

"Very good stuff," the merchant answered. "Probably my best stuff ever."

"Now that's crazy stuff," Itachi exclaimed.

"So much…naked…ness," Kisame murmured.

"Well I'd best be off," the merchant said. "No reason for me to stick around." In a flash, the merchant was gone.

"We got more weed," Itachi shouted, throwing his head up to the sky.

"Really," Kisame screamed excitedly. "Let me see!" The three shinobi opened the bag, seeing the mother load of weed. "Holy Poseidon!"

"Holy Poseidon," Naruto and Itachi questioned as they looked up.

"What, I'm a shark. Poseidon is like my god."

"Oh," the two echoed with understanding.

"Kisame, get that paper stuff," Itachi ordered.

"You got it boss!" Kisame grabbed his sword, but something funky happened. The sword fused with Kisame's arm then started forming all over his body. "Uh oh…"

"What's going on," Naruto asked, eyes wide with shock.

"Not this again," Kisame muttered. The entire sword fused with Kisame, giving him gills, fins and an overall shark looking appearance, more so than usual.

"Okay…now you definitely look like a shark," Itachi stated. "Even without the squinting."

"I hate when this happens, stupid sword that likes to fuse with me. Ya know, he wouldn't fuse with me when I was fighting that old four tailed Jinchuriki! Apparently we can only do this when it's convenient for _HIM!_ Well what about my needs damn it!" Kisame threw his arms around Itachi and cried into his shoulder.

"Shh, shh, shh, it's okay freaky shark-man," Itachi said, patting Kisame's pack gently. "I don't think you're anymore creepy than when I first met you." Kisame's sobbing grew louder as his shoulders shook.

"Hey guys, what's that," Naruto asked. Itachi and Kisame looked up, seeing birds flying through the air.

"I'll tell you what those are," Itachi began. "Those are LUNCH!"

"Say whaaaaaaaaaaat," Naruto questioned. "How're supposed to get all the way up there?"

"Like this," Itachi shouted. The Uchiha leaped in the air and flipped backwards, his feet placed firmly in Kisame's hands.

"Silver fish hand catch," Kisame shouted.

Kisame hurled Itachi into the air. The Uchiha made a series of hand signs then launched a fireball, setting all the birds aflame. Several dozen flaming birds fell from the sky and landed on the ground, setting a few bushes and other woodland creatures on fire. Itachi landed between Naruto and super shark Kisame, looking back and forth between the both of them.

"Why'd I do that again," the Uchiha questioned. The two shinobi shrugged. "Well…we need paper. And Kisame's sword ate it all before fusing with him. Who do we know who has paper?"

"I do," Naruto shouted.

The energetic blonde reached into his back pouch and grabbed a kunai with a paper tag on the end of it. He ripped the tag off then handed it to Kisame. The shark put some weed on it and rolled it up. Itachi shot a small fireball to light the tip of it. Kisame took a deep breath, but was cut off halfway through by a huge explosion which consumed his head. Naruto and Itachi stared at the smoke then back to each other and then back at the Kisame. The smoke cleared, revealing Kisame's face was burned, but overall intact.

"I think that was an explosive tag…"

"Or…this stuff is SO good it literally blows your mind," Naruto exclaimed.

"We need different paper," Itachi snapped, ignoring Naruto's idea.

"Wait, whose that one chick, who has all that paper?"

"My secretary," Itachi asked.

"We get secretaries," Kisame questioned.

"Akatsuki senior members do," Itachi replied.

"Well no, that one person we know. She has blue hair!"

"Bulma," Naruto shouted. Kisame and Itachi both hit Naruto on the back of the head, causing the Jinchuriki to fall face first into the dirt.

"Wait," Itachi said. "Konan?"

"YES! She has like millions of papers right? We can ask for some!"

"But what if she says no," Itachi asked.

"Then we offer her some of the stuff."

"The good stuff," Naruto asked.

"This good stuff," Kisame confirmed.

"It's decided," Itachi exclaimed. "ON TO AMEGAKURE!"

* * *

In Amegakure, Pain, Konan, and Madara were all sitting in a circle in big comfy chairs. Madara leaned back and put his feet on the table before sighing loudly.

"This is the life ain't it," Madara asked. "We have control of an organization, we only need two more Jinchuriki to rule the world. Things are awesome."

"Except we only have six members left, two of which we told to stay in hiding, while Pain and I haven't done jack shit since the formation of Akatsuki, and Zetsu doesn't do anything for us anyway! And get your damn feet off my table! I swear, living with Pain is bad enough sometimes. I have to clean up his messes all the damn time! Just because he's a walking corpse doesn't mean you can't pick shit up after yourself! Damn it!" Konan stood up and stormed out of the room. Madara watched her leave then looked back at Pain.

"That time of the month," Pain replied with a heavy sigh.

"Ah." Madara took his feet off the table and leaned towards Pain. "So, we need to capture the Kyuubi. Think you and Konan can handle it?" Madara set his cup of hot tea on the table.

"USE A COASTER," Konan's voice shrieked from halfway across the tower. Madara snapped his head around, completely astonished before he looked back at the cup and up to Pain.

"I'd suggest doing it," Pain stated. Madara sighed, lifted his cup up, slid over a coaster and set it down on top of it. "The Kyuubi, no problem. Right now I'd just have to sick Konan on him and he should be captured in no time."

"I want him alive though," Madara stated.

"Oh…right, that is a problem," Pain muttered. Just then, the speaker on the table between Madara and Pain beeped.

"_Ms. Konan?"_

Pain pressed the replied button, "Konan has a visit from her aunt Flow, can I help you Suzan?"

"_Well Itachi and Kisame are here and they want to speak with Konan—hey what're you doing?"_

"_Eat her Kisame!"_ There was a roar over the intercom followed by Suzan shrieking with terror. _"Is this thing on? Hello, I am god!"_

"Itachi, damn it, were you smoking weed again! Wait…DID YOU JUST TELL ME _YOU_ WERE GOD?"

"…_Maybe…"_

"God damn it…I mean, Pain damn it!"

"_We need to talk to Konan boss man. Is she available? And I don't mean can she talk! HI-OH!"_

"_Nice,"_ Kisame exclaimed. The sound of a pair of hands slapping together was heard. Pain shook his head then looked up to Madara.

"Don't look at me, he ain't my son."

"He's your descendant though," Pain snapped.

"_Who're you talking to?"_

"Madara," Pain replied angrily.

"_Hi Madara! How're you man, I haven't talked to you in…well I guess since I killed my entire clan with your help right? How've ya been?"_

"Itachi, what the hell is the matter with you," Pain barked.

"_Hey Itachi, ask them if they have any food, I'm starving!"_

"_Me too, I could go for some ramen! Believe IT!"_ Madara and Pain both snapped their heads up to one another, Sharingan meeting Rinnengan.

"Itachi," Pain began, dragging said Uchiha's name out as much as possible. "Is that Naruto Uzumaki…?"

"_Huh, oh yeah it is."_

"The same Naruto Uzumaki who is the Jinchuriki of the Kyuubi…?"

"_Yes sir."_

"Aren't you supposed to, oh I dunno, CAPTURE HIM?"

"_He doesn't have to yell about it does he,"_ Kisame questioned bitterly.

"YOU _IDIOTS!_ I'm coming down to capture Naruto myself!"

"_Dude, we just want to talk to Konan. We need her skills."_

"FINALLY!" Madara and Pain looked to the back of the room as Konan walked with a smirk on her face. "At least SOMEONE appreciates my abilities!"

"Do you have super hearing or something," Madara questioned. Konan turned around and headed towards the exit.

"Wait, Konan, they have Na-,"

"I DON'T CARE," Konan snapped as she spun around, delivering a punch to Pain's face that would put Tsunade to shame.

Madara watched as Pain flew through him and landed perfectly back into the chair across from him. The masked Uchiha turned his head to Pain and then back at Konan who was now gone.

"What'd I get myself into here…?"

* * *

"So let me get this straight," Konan began after meeting with Itachi, Kisame, and Naruto. "You all are high…and you can't get high unless you have paper to roll your weed up in…and you want me to give you paper…"

"That's about right," Itachi stated.

"And why is Kisame looking extra shark-ish today?"

"My stupid sword is being stupid," Kisame replied, crossing his arms while he pouted.

"And why haven't you tried to capture Naruto yet?"

"Our way of sticking it to the man," Itachi answered.

"FUCK YEAH," Konan shouted. "Alright, let's get HIGH!" Konan threw her arms out, releasing dozens of papers throughout the air.

"Grab them before they get away," Itachi ordered. Naruto, Itachi, and Kisame all started jumping in the air, snatching papers out of the air.

"Roll em up," Kisame snapped. The trio started sprinkling grass into the paper then rolling them up. Itachi made a fireball that lit the tips of all the joints. They quickly took a deep puff and sighed with relief, the smoke coming out of Kisame's gills and Naruto and Itachi's mouths.

"Give me one of those damn things," Konan snatched Kisame's joint.

"Hey!" The blue haired kunoichi took a long drag then exhaled slowly.

"That's the good stuff."

"You've had this stuff," Itachi asked.

"Pain and I use to smoke it back in the day. Nowadays he's such a square. It's all, 'capture the Jinchuriki this, capture the Jinchuriki that, I'm making a huge speech about why wars are caused.' Ugh he irritates me so much."

"Why does he want to capture all the Jinchuriki," Kisame asked.

"We thought it'd be for a petting zoo," Itachi added.

"I wish," Konan snapped. "He wants to use the Jinchuriki as a weapon of mass destruction so that people would stop fighting and he could bring peace to the world through an endless chain of hatred or something, I dunno."

"That doesn't make a lot of sense," Naruto stated.

"I know right." Konan took a drag from the joint and blew the smoke in the air. Kisame, having just rolled a new joint, took a short hit.

"A petting zoo would've been so much fun…"

"Say, whatever happened with your brother Itachi," Konan asked.

"Uh…I think we just passed him on our way here. He tried to hurt us be we kicked his ass with this!" Itachi threw a punch at Naruto, hitting him in the back of his head. The blonde wavered and started laughing before him and Itachi started boxing in a rather unorthodox way.

Konan exhaled a stream of smoke slowly, _'The Stoner's Fist…who would've thought they'd be masters at it…'_

"You think he followed us," Kisame asked.

"Nah," Itachi replied. A beam of concentrated lightning flew by Itachi's head, missing him by the hairs hanging on the sides of his face. "I don't think he's that mad at me."

"ITACHI!" The trio Akatsuki members and Naruto looked back, seeing Sasuke storming up to his older brother, Sharingan burning with rage as the bored through his brother.

"Oh hey, we were just talking about you! How're you doin Sasuke?"

"SHUT UP! I don't know what the hell is the matter with you, but I'm going to kill you and avenge the Uchiha Clan once and for all!"

"Where's the rest of those teammates you got," Kisame asked.

"They—we met some guards as we followed you guys…I left them behind."

"Douche," Naruto shouted. "That's all you are! Douche bag! D-o-o-shhhhhh bag!"

"SHUT UP NARUTO! I'm going to finish you after I finish Itachi!"

"Can someone shut him up," Konan asked, rubbing the side of her head.

"And then I'll kill you Akatsuki whore!" Konan's eyes snapped open, her face showing outright disbelief and rage.

Itachi, Kisame, and Naruto all took a hit while they watched Konan march over towards Sasuke. Naruto, Itachi, and Kisame watched as Konan began beating Sasuke off screen. There were repeated punching sounds, followed by someone (Sasuke) hitting the ground with a groan. The trio twitched as Konan continued pounding the little brat on the ground. Naruto turned away and vomited while Kisame pulled on his hair with disbelief and Itachi's eyes were wide and his lower jaw was trembling. A few more beatings, some dirt and rocks flying past the trio, and for some reason a chicken squawking, and Konan walked back next to the trio and continued smoking.

Sasuke lied on his face with his body sticking straight up into the air, his right arm twisted around, knees broken, seven out of ten fingers snapped, nose crooked, and to top it off he was bleeding at an alarming rate.

"What," Konan snapped. "I have cramps damn it, so leave me alone!"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh," Itachi and Kisame replied.

"Why does she have cramps," Naruto asked.

"That's a talk for another time Naruto," Itachi said, patting the blonde on the shoulder. "Maybe when I'm sober and fully understand the female anatomy one day I'll tell you…" Itachi stared at the sky solemnly with a smile on his face. Naruto looked up at Itachi then over to Sasuke who was twitching slightly.

"Is he dead," Kisame finally asked, pointing to Sasuke.

"I don't care," Itachi replied.

* * *

Madara lied back in his chair, waiting for Pain to regain consciousness. _'Did she knock Nagato out too somehow?'_ Finally, the orange haired zombie began to stir. "Oh good, you're awake. Bad news: I don't hear any fighting or explosions, but I did hear a chicken…but anyway, I don't think Konan, Itachi, OR Kisame are going to capture Naruto. Now it's all up to you."

"You're kidding," Pain stated. "I can't take on Konan when she's on her period!"

"Are you joking? You're the strongest member of Akatsuki!"

"I'm always the strongest…except once every month or so. Wait, if I'm the strongest then why are you-,"

"Shut up, and take care of that stuff right now! Then once you're done update my subscription to Masked Mastermind's Monthly." Pain rolled his eyes then stood to his feet and walked towards the door. "You're going to update my subscription right?"

"I'll think about it," Pain shouted back.

"You'd better! I'm supposed to have my own article next to Slade from the Teen Titans! Pain! You'd better update that damn subscription!"

* * *

Outside, Kisame was chasing Naruto in a game of tag while Konan and Itachi were sitting down and talking. Oddly enough, Konan still wasn't high, despite it being her second cigarette.

"So—so how is your hair so blue," Itachi asked.

"I don't know honestly," Konan replied as she took a puff. "I don't even dye it or anything."

"I was—I was thinking about dying my hair."

"Oh yeah? What color?"

"Bright pink."

"DUDE, that'd be so cool!" Okay, maybe she was just a tiny bit on the high side.

"Dude, I can't run," Kisame shouted. "This damn form it, it makes me slouched over so I can't run!"

"I know," Itachi replied. "It's so funny to watch!"

"That's not cool man, what if you turned into a weasel?"

"I can't—I can't do that," Itachi stuttered. "I don't have some crazy sword that can turn me into a shark. Wait…will that thing work on me?"

"Dude, dude let's try it! Sword, fuse with Itachi!" The last surviving Uchiha shot up and ran over towards Kisame as his sword moved out of him.

"Fuuuuuuuuuu," Itachi arched his arms from his left over to the right, fully extended with his fingers pointed out. "Shion!" His arms moved over to his left again, as did his right knee. "HA!" Itachi extended his fingers and arched to the right, touching Kisame's sword. There was a blinding flash of light that caused Kisame, Konan, and Naruto to cover their eyes. The light faded, revealing Itachi with blue skin, hair spiked back, razor sharp teeth, fins and gills.

"Holy hell," Naruto shouted, jumping out of his shirt…literally.

"Dude," Itachi exclaimed. "Th-this is crazy shit man! I must be trippin!"

"Hey, you do know that's how I got my blue skin in the first place right," Kisame questioned. Itachi threw his head back and shrieked loudly enough to break nearby windows, shake the ground, and for some reason cause the tips of all the cigarettes to burst spontaneously for a brief moment. "I'm just messing with you man, my mom was part shark."

"Oh thank god," Itachi sighed out. "So your mom was half shark?"

"Part guy, part shark, part robot, and part bitch," Kisame stated. "My daddy was a rapist…wait…GUAH! No daddy, not the closet!"

"Hey, what's that," Naruto asked, arching backwards as he pointed to something. Itachi and Konan looked over, seeing a missile coming straight for them.

"Uh oh," Konan muttered. "Take cover!" The four shinobi dove as the missile hit, causing a catastrophic explosion.

Naruto was falling towards a surface of water and fell through completely. The crazy part being it was only two feet deep. The blonde's spiky hair came through the surface as he swam through the water, eyes shifting around. Suddenly, a hand picked him up by his hair and lifted him out of the water. Naruto was looking into Pain's eyes, focusing solely on him.

"You're coming with me Jinchuriki," Pain stated. Naruto chuckled with a goofy smile on his face. The Akatsuki leader delivered a powerful punch to Naruto's stomach. The blonde coughed out in pain, releasing a cloud of smoke in the face of Pain. The orange haired body coughed, waving the smoke out of his face.

'_Uh oh…this isn't good!'_ Elsewhere, Nagato, boney and thin, started feeling the side affects from the smoke. "Shit! I'm…I'm…I'm fucking hungry!"

Naruto spat as his coughing fit stopped. Pain stood still before falling to the ground limply. Naruto landed on his back, laughing at nothing. Suddenly, a fin broke through the water and swam slowly towards Naruto. The blonde shrieked as he scrambled back with the Jaws theme playing in the background.

"RAWR!" Itachi jumped out of the water and right over Naruto, slamming face first into a stone wall. Naruto chuckled then rolled to the side as Itachi fell to the ground. Kisame walked up, placed his hand on Itachi's skin then pulled back.

"Give me that back!" Kisame's sword was pulled from Itachi's body, taking its blue complexion, gills and fins with it.

"What the hell did you do to Pain," Konan asked. Suddenly, a wall from many stories up exploded as a giant machine came plummeting to the ground. It landed with a ground shaking effect. Nagato had a goofy smirk on his face as he stared at the three Akatsuki members before him.

"I got the munchies, does anyone else got the munchies?"

"That's the boss," Kisame asked.

"Was he in the holocaust," Itachi questioned.

"Who's got food? I'm really hungry man! Wait, where's Tobi?"

"Madara, I don't know," Konan muttered. "Hey, did you really eat our secretary?" Itachi, Kisame, and Naruto looked to each other then snapped their attention back to Konan, eyes wide and scared.

"No," Itachi replied quickly. Kisame belched and a nametag came out. "That was another secretary…" Once again, he belched, releasing a pair of glasses. Itachi snapped his fear filled eyes to Kisame then started sweating as he looked back to Konan. The shark man let out a long burp, shooting out a button-up shirt, a skirt, a thong, bra, and one high-heel shoe. "Now that you mention it: I am really hungry."

"Yeah, me too," Kisame replied.

* * *

Back in the tower upstairs, Madara was becoming impatient. He tapped his foot while looking out the window. There weren't any explosions, not signs of fighting anywhere! Madara leaned forward and pressed a button.

"Suzan! Wait…she got eaten…" The masked Uchiha sighed then teleported away.

* * *

Back downstairs, Naruto walked up to Konan and put on a funny accent. "Hello ladies, how are you? Fantastic. Does your man look like me?"

"Well Deva Path sort of-,"

"No, can he smell like me?"

"Well Deva Path smells like-,"

"Yes. Should he use Old Spice body wash? I don't know. Do you like the smell of adventure? Do you want a man who smells like he can build you a gourmet cake in the dream kitchen he built you with his own hands?"

"I'm giving you until the count of three," Konan warned.

"Of course you do. Swan dive!" Konan delivered a powerful punch straight into Naruto's face, launching the Jinchuriki out of his pants. "INTO THE BEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE!" Just then, Madara appeared behind the trio.

"What the hell is going on," Madara questioned. "Where'd the Jinchuriki go?"

"Oh shit," Nagato muttered to Itachi and Kisame. "It's the boss, act cool."

"Wait, Tobi is the boss," Kisame asked.

"Tobi," Itachi asked. "I see a freaking LOLLIPOP!"

"Dude, you're stupid." Itachi lowered his head and pouted while Kisame, narrowed his eyes at him before moving them to Madara. Kisame's eyes widened upon seeing the giant orange circle. "DUDE! Do you see that HUGE freaking lollipop?

"Man that's a big lollipop," Itachi shouted.

"Let's eat it," Nagato suggested. The Akatsuki trio lunged forward at Madara, causing him to shriek with fright and teleport out of the way.

"What the hell is wrong with them," Madara screamed. "Konan, help me!" The blue haired kunoichi took a puff from her cigarette then blew it into Madara's eye. Madara screamed like a five year old girl as tears started flooding out of his eye. "It burns! How did you know the Sharingan was my one weakness!"

"Lollipop," Kisame shouted. Madara opened his eye, seeing a blurry figure coming towards him, then darkness.

Kisame pulled his head back and started munching and crunching. A look of distaste came across his face.

"What's it like," Itachi asked.

"Nasty," Kisame gurgled before spitting Tobi's mask out.

"How dare you guys," Nagato shouted. "I wanted that lollipop! And you didn't do that thing I told you to do! I'm supposed to be the leader here!" Konan rolled her eyes then walked towards Nagato.

* * *

In Konoha, Sakura, Hinata, and Ino were walking down the streets and talking calmly. The girls laughed about something before something caught Sakura's eye. The pink haired kunoichi looked up, seeing a tiny black dot in the sky.

"What's that," she asked. Ino squinted her eyes, but couldn't see the dot. Hinata activated her Byakugan and gasped.

"What is it," the blonde asked.

"There's a spider here," Hinata replied, quickly smacking the arachnid out of the way. "Oh, and that dot is Naruto." Ino and Sakura hummed with acknowledgement then looked to each other. There was a moment of silence before the three girls looked up with their eyes widened and jaws dropped.

"NARUTO?"

"Somebody fat get in MY WAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

Unfortunately, Choji and his dad were out on a mission, but luckily, and oddly, Danzo was there to break Naruto's fall. The old man snapped under the sudden force, his legs, spine, and neck all breaking into powder. Naruto slowly got up and stumbled forward before he was hit by a random bus. The three Konoha girls gasped with shock, but Naruto still got up. The bus door opened and Sasuke's mangled body fell out in front of the girls. Hinata's eyes widened slightly as she turned to Sakura and Ino who were looking normal.

"Are you two okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't we be," Ino asked.

"Didn't you both like Sasuke?"

"Yeah, three years ago," Sakura replied. "Three years without the idiot gave us time to see that he was just a jerk."

"Yeah, I'm not going to cry just because he's dead, even though that is a disturbing sight." Next, Madara's headless carcass rolled out next. "I stand corrected…" Next, Nagato fell on top of the two Uchiha corpses. "Once again: I stand corrected…"

"Dude, how did we get here so fast," Itachi asked, staggering out of the bus. The last living Uchiha had his Akatsuki robe rapped around his neck like a cape.

"I dunno, but I know next time we shouldn't let a woman drive," Kisame said, nearly falling flat on his face.

The shark swordsmen had his Akatsuki robe tied around his neck like a bib. Konan came out without her Akatsuki robe, wearing a long, elegant, dark blue, backless dress causing every guy and girl in the streets to stare on gapping.

Suddenly, Tsunade came walking into the streets, standing before Konan and the high Itachi and Kisame. Itachi was running around with his arms in front of him, making an engine sound as he ran around like a superhero. Kisame meanwhile was eating the bus they rode in on.

"What the hell is all of this," Tsunade asked angrily.

"A peace offering," Konan replied. "What use to be Sasuke Uchiha, a headless Madara Uchiha, and the current leader of Akatsuki all right here. In exchange, you give me, Itachi, and Kisame clean slates. Sounds fair right? Three criminals for three clean slates."

"You've got to be kidding me! Why in the world would I-,"

Konan suddenly locked lips with the Sannin, causing everyone to gap in awe. Even the stoned Itachi, Kisame, and Naruto watched with shock, and not just because they were acting stupid. Even baked, they knew that this incredibly hot sight was something you experience once every lifetime. What nobody saw though was Konan blowing smoke down Tsunade's throat, slowly but surely getting the Hokage high off her rocket. Konan removed her mouth, allowing Tsunade to chuckle like an idiot.

"O-okay, you guys are cool with us," Tsunade replied.

"What…just happened," Ino asked.

"I think the world is coming to an end," Sakura spat out.

"Uh…girls." Hinata pointed towards Naruto who was shirtless, due to jumping out of it when Itachi became a shark, and pantless due to Konan punching him right out of most of his clothes.

"Holy hunk," Ino exclaimed.

"Hubba, hubba, come to mamma!"

"I'd like to ride that stallion across the countryside," Hinata said, practically drooling. The girls looked to each other then back at Naruto. Somehow, and quite ironically, he was sitting on a horse.

"COME HERE," the three girls shouted as they pounced the blonde Jinchuriki. Itachi and Kisame looked down, watching as the girls tore his boxers off and proceeded to having sex with Naruto right in front of everyone.

"Hey, is that Danzo," Kisame asked, randomly pointing to the mangled figure that use to be the old man.

"That is," Itachi replied. "Hey, he's dead…that's cool."

"Hey guys," Konan called out. Itachi and Kisame looked up, seeing the stoned Tsunade holding onto Konan's arm. "Tsunade and I are going to head back to her office and discuss some 'politics' with Shizune, Anko, and Kurenai. Wanna join?"

"Kurenai," Itachi repeated. "Isn't she pregnant?"

"Nope, she had the baby and lost all that baby weight."

"I dunno," Kisame muttered. "I'm not big on politics. I mean I've killed like twenty seven political figures. It would be twenty eight if killing Barack Obama wouldn't be such a huge controversy…seriously, I'm not white either! I'm blue!"

"Kisame, I think they're talking about having sex…" Kisame's eyes widened as he looked over to Konan who nodded with a smirk.

"Alright I'm in! Wait, sex with whom? Cause I don't wanna have sex with you Itachi!"

"Oh that would be messed up. Konan, are Kisame and I going to have sex with the women or each other?"

"The women," Konan replied. "And the women might have sex with the women too."

"I'm in," Itachi and Kisame said simultaneously. The two followed Tsunade and Konan down the streets.

"Hey Itachi," Kisame piped up.

"Yeah?"

"This wouldn't have happened without weed would it? I mean, we killed and captured Akatsuki's leaders, killed your brother, killed Danzo."

"Yeah, we killed all the bad guys," Itachi exclaimed. "And—and!" The last Uchiha pointed back to the dust cloud that was Naruto's foursome. "Naruto is with both Sakura, Ino, and Hinata, so we ended those pairing wars that everyone bitches about!"

"And we're about to have a huge orgy ourselves," Kisame stated.

"Dude, life is sweet!" The two partners head butted each other, staggering back a bit before running down the streets to join Tsunade and Konan.

"ORGIES!"

**

* * *

Well for starters I'm sorry if this chapter wasn't as funny as the last two…I guess I was running out of material. Also, I don't want Barack dead! Again: just running out of material! I love that man! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, leave reviews if you enjoyed!**


	4. Itachi and Kisame Say Goodbye

Itachi and Kisame were walking side by side as the cameramen readied to finish things up in the studio. A pair of girls walked up and asked for Itachi's autograph to which he signed. A pair of you female fish asked for Kisame's autograph as well. The duo walked on, chatting casually before they noticed you all watching.

"Oh, hey there," Itachi waved with a smile.

"I guess this is for like the bonus features or something," Kisame asked.

"I have no idea why, it's not like we're on a DVD, it's a freaking fan-fiction," Itachi muttered. "Still, the author is a noble person with morals, so he just wants us to talk to you all, the reader, about the use of drugs."

"They're not even drugs," Kisame exclaimed. "It's grass, it grows from the ground!" Suddenly, a figure shot from the side and Dynamic Enteried Kisame's face. "YEOW! What the hell?"

"Kisame, stick to the script," the author snapped.

"Whatever, don't smoke weed because it's bad!"

"I didn't write that!"

"You're writing this whole thing right now! I'm saying what you're writing!"

"This is why I hate these things," the author muttered, shaking his head. "You all are too freaking eager to break the damn fourth wall!"

"To have a fourth wall you need three walls," Kisame shouted. "We have NO walls because we're in a damn fan-fiction!"

"Can both of you shut up," Itachi questioned. "I'd like to do my job and get paid already."

"Did he just tell me to shut up," the author asked.

"Itachi is like the Chuck Norris of anime. He's so badass he can insult the author of any fan-fiction he's written in."

"That is pretty cool…"

"I speak for the three of us when I say: we support the legalization of marijuana. However, you have to know when to smoke it and obviously when to not."

"Smoking weed isn't going to cure the world's problems like it did for us," Kisame continued. "Nor will it guarantee an orgy with various, smoking women."

"Nor will it guarantee the demise of douche bags, terrorists, old people, or assholes," Itachi added. "However, that doesn't mean smoking weed doesn't have its advantages."

"It helps you notice shit," Kisame stated. "Sometimes stupid stuff, sometimes very deep stuff that can help you find yourself. But still, mostly stupid stuff. Stupid stuff that the asshole you call your friend will record and post on the internet. You know, that guy you're probably telling to read this story and he says 'meh, I'll get to it.' That basically means he doesn't care and thinks your opinion is about lower than shit. Still, there's a one in twenty shot that you'll find something deep through the use of weed."

"A one in twenty shot? That's better than your chances with ecstasy, tobacco, or alcohol. Still, everyone has that one asshole of a friend who'll record you being high and post it on the web. What you do to get him back? Fart on his pillow and give him pinkeye. Still, you should only smoke weed around your friends, coworkers, or people around your age group. You should never smoke around your boss or parents."

"Otherwise shit'll happen. Bad, bad shit…that's why I'm always wanting to cut people to ribbons!"

"You should _never_ smoke weed in public. Granted it's hilarious to watch people act like idiots in public, but it's not as funny when you're that idiot."

"Unless you have friends to record you so you can laugh at yourself later," Kisame replied. "But again, that's when they put that recording on the web."

"The point of your friend recording you in public is so _you_ can laugh at yourself. Not everyone in the world."

"Besides the web is used for other things," Kisame stated. "Like porn! Or hentai."

"Ooh, hentai, that's always good. And there's a chance that if you post someone smoking weed on the web, then you could get in trouble for it. Not like posting a video of some five year old kid eating a spoon full of brown sugar. That's just fucked up, but still side-splittingly funny."

"And if you're going to make kids do stuff and post it online, make them do funnier stuff, like going down an icy hill at a hundred miles an hour only to slam into a tree."

"It's the internet," Itachi stated. "I'm almost positive they'd have that _somewhere_. Basically what we're saying is be responsible when you smoke weed. Don't smoke it while driving, during a job interview, while on a date with your girlfriend."

"Unless she smokes weed too," Kisame snapped.

"So yeah, take these ideas to heart and just maybe weed will become legal someday." Itachi and Kisame looked to one another then back at you, the reader. "Most likely not though…still being responsible will keep _you_ out of trouble."

"So don't say we didn't warn you. OR I'LL CUT YOU TO RIBBONS! This is Kisame Hoshigaki."

"And Itachi Uchiha, saying:"

"Smoke responsibly." The two partners solute you, the reader, then walk out of the camera view.


End file.
